jenn_unplugged (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jenn_unplugged) wrote2007-02-22 10:45 am
jenn_unplugged) wrote2007-02-22 10:45 am
Entry tags:
Update
Yesterday I had a sonogram to make everything was set to go for starting the IVF cycle, and it really hadn't occurred to me that there would be a problem. But of course, there was -- I have a cyst on my right ovary, which means I can't start on the drugs just yet. They want me to come back in a week for another sono, but the fact is that it usually takes several weeks for cysts to go away.
And of course, we don't have several weeks. I've been through so many infertility procedures, and in the past everything has worked like clockwork. Even though I'd been warned, it just didn't occur to me that IVF would be any different. But it is -- it's incredibly complex, and so many little things can go wrong.
The issue is that we had planned (and paid for) a vacation in southern Africa in late April, including a swing through London to see a play I really want to see, for which we already have tickets. We timed the trip so that it would happen well after the IVF cycle, but we made the mistake of assuming everything would happen on schedule. It had already been delayed once because the doctor is going on vacation next week, and now the cyst would delay it for another few weeks. When that sunk in, I was totally shocked. I realized we were going to have to choose between this IVF cycle and our vacation.
At first, it seemed like a no-brainer -- cancel the vacation. Until we realized that we'd lose half the money we've paid. And it's a lot of money. Just poof, gone. And that was about when I started feeling sick to my stomach. I felt sickened by the thought of losing all of that money, but also by the thought of losing a vacation we've both been really looking forward to. And that, in turn, made me feel horribly guilty. What kind of person chooses a safari vacation over a baby?
I angsted about it all day yesterday, and had some tearful phone conversations with Doug. He assured me that the money wasn't that big a deal to him, but it was to me, and I felt horrible for that too. I mean, how can you put a price tag on something as precious as finally getting pregnant after everything we've been through? And what if we canceled the vacation, took that financial hit, and the IVF didn't work? Come April I'd REALLY need that vacation, but it would be too late. We wouldn't even be able to justify going somewhere else.
So then I had a long talk with my mom, and she said that if it were her, she'd cancel the cycle and go on the vacation. And that was all I needed to hear somehow. I needed someone to tell me that wanting to go on vacation and not lose that money did not make me selfish. It made me perfectly logical. She also reminded me that it's not like this is the only chance we will ever have to do IVF. We can just do it this summer instead, which is only a delay of a few months.
I have only rarely had that experience of having one little thing someone says just rip through my jumbled thoughts with such clarity, but that really did it. It was suddenly so obvious to me -- of course we can do IVF after the vacation! Why hadn't I thought of that? Why did I think it was either one or the other? It seems so silly now. So Mom? THANK YOU so much for that. It was just what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it, to make me come to my senses. :-) It's crazy how much dealing with infertility can cloud your thinking.
So anyway, I really doubt that the cyst will have disappeared by next week, and if it hasn't, we're going to just cancel the cycle and we'll try again in June. I have family commitments in May that I just can't give up, but June is basically clear. I have a family reunion over a weekend at the end of that month, but the IVF shouldn't interfere with that. I was going to spend a week working in California, but I'll just have to tell them no.
And you know what? I feel great about this. I really do. That tells me I'm in so much better shape than I was a year ago, and after that ten minutes of utter despair I felt after leaving the doctor's office yesterday, that is a HUGE relief.
And of course, we don't have several weeks. I've been through so many infertility procedures, and in the past everything has worked like clockwork. Even though I'd been warned, it just didn't occur to me that IVF would be any different. But it is -- it's incredibly complex, and so many little things can go wrong.
The issue is that we had planned (and paid for) a vacation in southern Africa in late April, including a swing through London to see a play I really want to see, for which we already have tickets. We timed the trip so that it would happen well after the IVF cycle, but we made the mistake of assuming everything would happen on schedule. It had already been delayed once because the doctor is going on vacation next week, and now the cyst would delay it for another few weeks. When that sunk in, I was totally shocked. I realized we were going to have to choose between this IVF cycle and our vacation.
At first, it seemed like a no-brainer -- cancel the vacation. Until we realized that we'd lose half the money we've paid. And it's a lot of money. Just poof, gone. And that was about when I started feeling sick to my stomach. I felt sickened by the thought of losing all of that money, but also by the thought of losing a vacation we've both been really looking forward to. And that, in turn, made me feel horribly guilty. What kind of person chooses a safari vacation over a baby?
I angsted about it all day yesterday, and had some tearful phone conversations with Doug. He assured me that the money wasn't that big a deal to him, but it was to me, and I felt horrible for that too. I mean, how can you put a price tag on something as precious as finally getting pregnant after everything we've been through? And what if we canceled the vacation, took that financial hit, and the IVF didn't work? Come April I'd REALLY need that vacation, but it would be too late. We wouldn't even be able to justify going somewhere else.
So then I had a long talk with my mom, and she said that if it were her, she'd cancel the cycle and go on the vacation. And that was all I needed to hear somehow. I needed someone to tell me that wanting to go on vacation and not lose that money did not make me selfish. It made me perfectly logical. She also reminded me that it's not like this is the only chance we will ever have to do IVF. We can just do it this summer instead, which is only a delay of a few months.
I have only rarely had that experience of having one little thing someone says just rip through my jumbled thoughts with such clarity, but that really did it. It was suddenly so obvious to me -- of course we can do IVF after the vacation! Why hadn't I thought of that? Why did I think it was either one or the other? It seems so silly now. So Mom? THANK YOU so much for that. It was just what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it, to make me come to my senses. :-) It's crazy how much dealing with infertility can cloud your thinking.
So anyway, I really doubt that the cyst will have disappeared by next week, and if it hasn't, we're going to just cancel the cycle and we'll try again in June. I have family commitments in May that I just can't give up, but June is basically clear. I have a family reunion over a weekend at the end of that month, but the IVF shouldn't interfere with that. I was going to spend a week working in California, but I'll just have to tell them no.
And you know what? I feel great about this. I really do. That tells me I'm in so much better shape than I was a year ago, and after that ten minutes of utter despair I felt after leaving the doctor's office yesterday, that is a HUGE relief.