*sigh*

[jenn_unplugged]

I think I might have to stop watching naturalbirth. It's hard to read posts there about beautiful births and not be bitter about my own -- or bitter about the fact that I will never have one.

But the worst part is that I feel like I have nothing to contribute any more. When everyone is talking about how awesome it was to be able to just trust that their pregnant bodies were doing what they were designed to do, all I can say is that I can't trust my own any more. After all, I felt wonderful, even when I was checking myself into the hospital. But the reality was that I was dying, and taking Carter with me.

So I now have a perspective and an experience that doesn't seem to mesh well with everyone else in that group, even though I believe so strongly in what they stand for. *sigh*

Comments

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel. I did not get the vaginal birth I wanted either. The important thing is that Emma and Carter are here and are both healthy!

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

I suppose, but for me the pregnancy and birth were important parts of the process, not just a means to an end. I don't think I will ever get over the pain of infertility, of losing years of my life to depression. For the first two weeks after Carter was born, I was in mourning; I genuinely felt like I'd lost him.

I still feel like something is missing, actually. It's hard for me to talk about pregnancy with other women, because mine was so incomplete. I never got a big belly (I could hide it with baggy clothes right up until I went into the hospital). I never felt him kick from the outside -- and neither did Doug. I never felt a real connection with him while I was pregnant, and then he spent what should have been the last trimester in a plastic box hooked up to machines.

My body failed him, and it's going to be really hard to feel like I can trust my body with a baby again. I guess that's the crux of it all: natural birth is about trusting that your body was designed for this -- but mine apparently wasn't. And so that community seems to trigger bad feelings for me. I need to just move on. :-P

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I totally see where you're coming from. I know you didn't get to go through most of the things that women experience in their third trimester. I am sorry you didn't get to have that with your pregnancy.
I guess I can equate what you're going to through I feel when people announce "unexpected" pregnancies or, "gee ... we only had sex 4 days before I ovulated and we still got pregnant." Even though I've been pregnant and have a baby it still hurts that I have to go through so much to make it happen. It doesn't seem fair that someone who went through IVF would be denied a "typical" pregnancy with the option of natural childbirth. *hugs*

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

It is all SO unfair, isn't it? You and I both wanted to be mothers so badly, and it's not fair that our bodies wouldn't cooperate (to let it happen the regular, fun, free way).

But like I said, I recognize that I need to move on, and so I need to step away from things that remind me of the pain, at least for now. Oddly enough, I don't feel that way about the infertility comms I've participated in. I feel like those are my people, KWIM?