*sigh*

[jenn_unplugged]

I think I might have to stop watching naturalbirth. It's hard to read posts there about beautiful births and not be bitter about my own -- or bitter about the fact that I will never have one.

But the worst part is that I feel like I have nothing to contribute any more. When everyone is talking about how awesome it was to be able to just trust that their pregnant bodies were doing what they were designed to do, all I can say is that I can't trust my own any more. After all, I felt wonderful, even when I was checking myself into the hospital. But the reality was that I was dying, and taking Carter with me.

So I now have a perspective and an experience that doesn't seem to mesh well with everyone else in that group, even though I believe so strongly in what they stand for. *sigh*

Comments

[faeryguinevere.livejournal.com]

Same. My situation wasn't as severe as yours (induction for pre-eclampsia at 36w), but it makes me sad to read all the stories, when they weren't true for me. Even though I agree with everything they stand for, it wasn't the case for me.

I'm sorry you're feeling badly.

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

Every now and then I just get a little bitter about it. And I realized that comm is a trigger. So I think it's time to move on, ya know?

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel. I did not get the vaginal birth I wanted either. The important thing is that Emma and Carter are here and are both healthy!

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

I suppose, but for me the pregnancy and birth were important parts of the process, not just a means to an end. I don't think I will ever get over the pain of infertility, of losing years of my life to depression. For the first two weeks after Carter was born, I was in mourning; I genuinely felt like I'd lost him.

I still feel like something is missing, actually. It's hard for me to talk about pregnancy with other women, because mine was so incomplete. I never got a big belly (I could hide it with baggy clothes right up until I went into the hospital). I never felt him kick from the outside -- and neither did Doug. I never felt a real connection with him while I was pregnant, and then he spent what should have been the last trimester in a plastic box hooked up to machines.

My body failed him, and it's going to be really hard to feel like I can trust my body with a baby again. I guess that's the crux of it all: natural birth is about trusting that your body was designed for this -- but mine apparently wasn't. And so that community seems to trigger bad feelings for me. I need to just move on. :-P

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I totally see where you're coming from. I know you didn't get to go through most of the things that women experience in their third trimester. I am sorry you didn't get to have that with your pregnancy.
I guess I can equate what you're going to through I feel when people announce "unexpected" pregnancies or, "gee ... we only had sex 4 days before I ovulated and we still got pregnant." Even though I've been pregnant and have a baby it still hurts that I have to go through so much to make it happen. It doesn't seem fair that someone who went through IVF would be denied a "typical" pregnancy with the option of natural childbirth. *hugs*

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

It is all SO unfair, isn't it? You and I both wanted to be mothers so badly, and it's not fair that our bodies wouldn't cooperate (to let it happen the regular, fun, free way).

But like I said, I recognize that I need to move on, and so I need to step away from things that remind me of the pain, at least for now. Oddly enough, I don't feel that way about the infertility comms I've participated in. I feel like those are my people, KWIM?

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

Sugar, maybe if you look at it this way:

Medicine has, over time, determined that pregnancy and birth are medical issues, rather than letting them be the natural things that they are. Being pregnant used to mean relying on your family and yourself, and now it's doctors and hospitals and IVs and electronic monitors.

By continuing to support those who want their pregnancies and births to be as natural as possible, and who aren't having the issues that you had, overall, you still help maintain that belief.

When your pregnancy became a medical issue, then steps were taken, as I believe they should have been - and I'm glad those steps were taken for I can't imagine you or he not being here.

But you are still of the natural mindset - and that helps support moving pregnancy and birth away from the *control* of the medical industry and putting it back into the hands of the mothers, who are smart enough to know when to ask for medical intervention when and if it's needed, such as you did.

I'm proud of you.

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that. And you're right, just because it's something I can't have doesn't mean I can't continue to be an advocate for others having it. I think I need some space to get past my own pain, and then maybe I'll be able to go back.

[jedirita.livejournal.com]

Oy. I hear ya. That's kind of the way I feel about breastfeeding.

You never did comment on that post of mine. I've been wondering what you thought about it.

And I still totally think we need to write a book called "Unnatural Mothers." I have several essays I've written.

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

What post was that? I probably missed it.

We should write that book. One day when we have time, we we sit down with a good bottle of wine and give it some serious thought.

[jedirita.livejournal.com]

The post was in my real life journal.

Ay, me! I miss our slumber parties! Harder to do with kids in tow, eh?

[callie-.livejournal.com]

I wandered over to your personal journal from birthtrauma when I noticed we both live in Austin.

After reading your post I wanted to say that you still do have something to add to the naturalbirth community. Even though most of the women do go on to have natural births there are some who don't and need the support of someone who went through the nicu experience. After reading your comments I changed my mind a little bit. As someone with experience in PTSD I think avoiding triggers is a good thing. Not that you shouldn't deal with the trauma but in a way where you are ready to face it and aren't blindsided with it. I can respect your decision to leave for yourself. I do hope that one day you will come back to share the experiences only you can give.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you don't mind that a stranger stopped by. ;)

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

I didn't leave the community, but I did stop watching it. I will probably be able to watch it again at some point, but right now I just need not to be reminded what I've lost with every post there.

Thanks for stopping by! :-)