jenn_unplugged (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jenn_unplugged) wrote2009-10-01 11:30 am
jenn_unplugged) wrote2009-10-01 11:30 am
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Parenting rant. Is it just me? It can't be...
The more I read parenting magazines (with the possible exception of Mothering), the more I realize that your perspective plays a huge issue in what you see as a discipline/parenting problem. There are so many things I see and hear parents of toddlers say about the various discipline problems and sleep problems and eating problems they're having with their children, and I am really, honestly baffled.
It's not that my son is an angel who doesn't do any of the things they mention; it's that I don't see those things as problems, you know?
Yes, he often throws more food on the floor than he eats. He's learning about textures and colors and gravity, and he's experimenting with all of those things. Sometimes that is more exciting than eating, and sometimes he's just not that hungry. So I just put a towel under the high chair to catch it all. Some of what he drops he will eventually eat, when I put it back up there. He's also sorting, which is an important mathematical concept. If I look at what he tosses and what's left, there's usually a pattern to it. I actually get excited watching him sometimes!
Yes, he sometimes fights naps and bedtime. But this is his way of telling us he has more energy to burn off, that he needs a little more time to settle down. So we don't fight back. If he's not sleepy, we don't push it; we just let him play more. He will almost always be ready to sleep within another half hour. Sometimes it would be a heck of a lot more convenient for me if he would go to sleep at a particular time, but why should my needs always supersede his? And hey, that's another half hour of quality time I get to spend with Carter, so it's all good.
Yes, he wakes up several times a night to nurse back to sleep. We cosleep, so this isn't a problem for me -- I can go right back to sleep after arranging my boob for him. Nursing ALWAYS works in the middle of the night, and it's the quickest way to get us both back to sleep. And there are patterns in his waking: Some nights he barely wakes at all, and then there will be a period of a week where he wakes a lot every night. Those periods always correspond with something big, like getting 4 molars at once, or making some big cognitive leap. Of course the poor kid needs extra cuddles on those nights. Being a toddler is hard!
Yes, he pulls the cat's tail, and splashes in the toilet, and does lots of other things we've redirected him from dozens (if not hundreds) of times. And yes, sometimes he even says "no" right before he does them, giving the impression that he is being defiant. But at this age, defiance doesn't apply. Defiance is a concept adults have, one that we think we see in them, but toddlers do not think the same way adults do. Children aren't capable of considering how others think and feel until they're closer to school age, and they would have to be able to do that in order to intentionally be defiant. So we keep redirecting, keep reminding him what the limits are, or better yet, remove the temptation (e.g. put a lock on the toilet lid) so he doesn't keep coming up against a limit he doesn't understand.
Yes, he has temper tantrums and meltdowns when things don't go exactly as he expected or wanted. Toddlers need to vent their emotions, which are often very strong and confusing. He doesn't understand why we have to leave to playground now, just when he was having fun. He is angry and frustrated, so he cries and screams. I hold him and tell him I understand why he is upset, and eventually he gets it all out and he gets over it. We move on. As he gets older, he'll learn how to handle those emotions, but for now it's important that I not squash them or ignore them or distract him from him in an effort to make him not feel them. That only teaches him that emotions are bad, things to be avoided. That's not healthy!
So I don't see any of those things as PROBLEMS that need to be fixed. Those are totally normal, developmentally appropriate behaviors. He's not even two years old, for chrissakes! I don't expect him to understand and behave like a 5yo child. He'll get there, and my job is to support and guide him. I know we'll get to things that actually are problematic, but right now, there's honestly nothing I feel is a problem.
Maybe I'm just lucky to have a really easy-going kid, but I really think it comes down to perspective in a lot of cases. :-/
It's not that my son is an angel who doesn't do any of the things they mention; it's that I don't see those things as problems, you know?
Yes, he often throws more food on the floor than he eats. He's learning about textures and colors and gravity, and he's experimenting with all of those things. Sometimes that is more exciting than eating, and sometimes he's just not that hungry. So I just put a towel under the high chair to catch it all. Some of what he drops he will eventually eat, when I put it back up there. He's also sorting, which is an important mathematical concept. If I look at what he tosses and what's left, there's usually a pattern to it. I actually get excited watching him sometimes!
Yes, he sometimes fights naps and bedtime. But this is his way of telling us he has more energy to burn off, that he needs a little more time to settle down. So we don't fight back. If he's not sleepy, we don't push it; we just let him play more. He will almost always be ready to sleep within another half hour. Sometimes it would be a heck of a lot more convenient for me if he would go to sleep at a particular time, but why should my needs always supersede his? And hey, that's another half hour of quality time I get to spend with Carter, so it's all good.
Yes, he wakes up several times a night to nurse back to sleep. We cosleep, so this isn't a problem for me -- I can go right back to sleep after arranging my boob for him. Nursing ALWAYS works in the middle of the night, and it's the quickest way to get us both back to sleep. And there are patterns in his waking: Some nights he barely wakes at all, and then there will be a period of a week where he wakes a lot every night. Those periods always correspond with something big, like getting 4 molars at once, or making some big cognitive leap. Of course the poor kid needs extra cuddles on those nights. Being a toddler is hard!
Yes, he pulls the cat's tail, and splashes in the toilet, and does lots of other things we've redirected him from dozens (if not hundreds) of times. And yes, sometimes he even says "no" right before he does them, giving the impression that he is being defiant. But at this age, defiance doesn't apply. Defiance is a concept adults have, one that we think we see in them, but toddlers do not think the same way adults do. Children aren't capable of considering how others think and feel until they're closer to school age, and they would have to be able to do that in order to intentionally be defiant. So we keep redirecting, keep reminding him what the limits are, or better yet, remove the temptation (e.g. put a lock on the toilet lid) so he doesn't keep coming up against a limit he doesn't understand.
Yes, he has temper tantrums and meltdowns when things don't go exactly as he expected or wanted. Toddlers need to vent their emotions, which are often very strong and confusing. He doesn't understand why we have to leave to playground now, just when he was having fun. He is angry and frustrated, so he cries and screams. I hold him and tell him I understand why he is upset, and eventually he gets it all out and he gets over it. We move on. As he gets older, he'll learn how to handle those emotions, but for now it's important that I not squash them or ignore them or distract him from him in an effort to make him not feel them. That only teaches him that emotions are bad, things to be avoided. That's not healthy!
So I don't see any of those things as PROBLEMS that need to be fixed. Those are totally normal, developmentally appropriate behaviors. He's not even two years old, for chrissakes! I don't expect him to understand and behave like a 5yo child. He'll get there, and my job is to support and guide him. I know we'll get to things that actually are problematic, but right now, there's honestly nothing I feel is a problem.
Maybe I'm just lucky to have a really easy-going kid, but I really think it comes down to perspective in a lot of cases. :-/
no subject
Yes, exactly! I know it's what I get for hanging around on certain parenting boards, but sometimes I have to shake my head and wonder what these folks are going to do in 15 years, if these are such huge "problems" now.
I think it's not so much defiance in kids this age as it is asserting their independence. They are finally able to do some things for themselves, and developmentally they're driven to become more and more independent. They want to make their own choices, and insofar as we can, I feel like we should let them. When do they learn how to make decisions if they never get to make any decisions? - that sort of thing. Of course, I have one child and you have 5, so I have a lot more flexibility in many ways, I'm guessing. ;-)
I agree that it's best to avoid situations when you know there's a tantrum coming. Otherwise you're not really in tune with what's best for your child, you know? But sometimes you see it coming and there's not much you can do to avoid it, so you kind of have to roll with it and ride it out. Tantrums seem to freak parents out more than just about anything else, especially in public. I think that's because people are afraid, generally - afraid of that intense outpouring of emotion, afraid that if they don't make it stop as soon as possible their child will but traumatized, afraid of what other people will think, and so on. But everything I've read on tantrums suggests that it's a phase toddlers go through as they're learning to deal with their emotions. Sometimes they just need a release, and they need to be able to do that and feel safe about it. They need to know it's okay to feel and express these emotions.
And that totally makes sense to me, because when I am upset and need a shoulder to cry on, the last thing I want is for that someone to be very uncomfortable and try to distract me from my feelings, or to even belittle them and tell me to get over it. But yet people on parenting boards are always exchanging advice about the best way to distract their toddlers from their tantrums, rather than thinking about the fact that the child is genuinely upset, and maybe just needs to express that for a minute or two.
So I guess I should really just stop visiting these parenting boards... :-P