Parenting rant. Is it just me? It can't be...

[jenn_unplugged]

The more I read parenting magazines (with the possible exception of Mothering), the more I realize that your perspective plays a huge issue in what you see as a discipline/parenting problem. There are so many things I see and hear parents of toddlers say about the various discipline problems and sleep problems and eating problems they're having with their children, and I am really, honestly baffled.

It's not that my son is an angel who doesn't do any of the things they mention; it's that I don't see those things as problems, you know?

Yes, he often throws more food on the floor than he eats. He's learning about textures and colors and gravity, and he's experimenting with all of those things. Sometimes that is more exciting than eating, and sometimes he's just not that hungry. So I just put a towel under the high chair to catch it all. Some of what he drops he will eventually eat, when I put it back up there. He's also sorting, which is an important mathematical concept. If I look at what he tosses and what's left, there's usually a pattern to it. I actually get excited watching him sometimes!

Yes, he sometimes fights naps and bedtime. But this is his way of telling us he has more energy to burn off, that he needs a little more time to settle down. So we don't fight back. If he's not sleepy, we don't push it; we just let him play more. He will almost always be ready to sleep within another half hour. Sometimes it would be a heck of a lot more convenient for me if he would go to sleep at a particular time, but why should my needs always supersede his? And hey, that's another half hour of quality time I get to spend with Carter, so it's all good.

Yes, he wakes up several times a night to nurse back to sleep. We cosleep, so this isn't a problem for me -- I can go right back to sleep after arranging my boob for him. Nursing ALWAYS works in the middle of the night, and it's the quickest way to get us both back to sleep. And there are patterns in his waking: Some nights he barely wakes at all, and then there will be a period of a week where he wakes a lot every night. Those periods always correspond with something big, like getting 4 molars at once, or making some big cognitive leap. Of course the poor kid needs extra cuddles on those nights. Being a toddler is hard!

Yes, he pulls the cat's tail, and splashes in the toilet, and does lots of other things we've redirected him from dozens (if not hundreds) of times. And yes, sometimes he even says "no" right before he does them, giving the impression that he is being defiant. But at this age, defiance doesn't apply. Defiance is a concept adults have, one that we think we see in them, but toddlers do not think the same way adults do. Children aren't capable of considering how others think and feel until they're closer to school age, and they would have to be able to do that in order to intentionally be defiant. So we keep redirecting, keep reminding him what the limits are, or better yet, remove the temptation (e.g. put a lock on the toilet lid) so he doesn't keep coming up against a limit he doesn't understand.

Yes, he has temper tantrums and meltdowns when things don't go exactly as he expected or wanted. Toddlers need to vent their emotions, which are often very strong and confusing. He doesn't understand why we have to leave to playground now, just when he was having fun. He is angry and frustrated, so he cries and screams. I hold him and tell him I understand why he is upset, and eventually he gets it all out and he gets over it. We move on. As he gets older, he'll learn how to handle those emotions, but for now it's important that I not squash them or ignore them or distract him from him in an effort to make him not feel them. That only teaches him that emotions are bad, things to be avoided. That's not healthy!

So I don't see any of those things as PROBLEMS that need to be fixed. Those are totally normal, developmentally appropriate behaviors. He's not even two years old, for chrissakes! I don't expect him to understand and behave like a 5yo child. He'll get there, and my job is to support and guide him. I know we'll get to things that actually are problematic, but right now, there's honestly nothing I feel is a problem.

Maybe I'm just lucky to have a really easy-going kid, but I really think it comes down to perspective in a lot of cases. :-/

Comments

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I agree with a lot of what you said here. As Emma gets closer to three I do see that she is pushing the boundaries a bit more to see what she can get away with. We had to put a stop on throwing toys when she gets frustrated because they became a hazard for Charlotte who was nearby often when she started throwing.

She has her meltdowns from time to time but they usually come when she is tired which is our fault for keeping her out or up later then her usual schedule. When Charlotte came along we saw an increase in meltdowns which usually centered around wanting something RIGHT NOW when I was nursing or otherwise occupied with the baby. We (I) did and do everything we can to reassure her we will get it right away when we are finished with the baby and she gets it now. Having a baby when you have a two year old is tough because they just don't get sharing time at first. This transition was the hardest for us and there were days when I was very frustrated by her behavior. I just kept reminding myself that it was frustrating to her as well and that we just had to get through it together. Now she is concerned when Charlotte is crying and asks where she is when she's napping etc.... she has finally adjusted but it took a while. I think the biggest thing is patience. You've got to have lots of it!!!

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

The more I think about this, the more I think it's about whether your focus is on the behavior itself or on the reason for the behavior. If your focus is on the reason for the behavior, you're keeping in mind what is developmentally appropriate at that point in time, and you aren't just punishing kids blindly. You're stopping and thinking about why they are acting out (as you discuss here with Emma's adjustment to having a baby sister), and that makes a huge difference in not only how you see the situation, but also in how the child ultimately sees herself in the situation.

This post is actually a reaction to seeing a ton of posts on toddler boards along the lines of "My toddler won't stop throwing food on the floor and time out doesn't work, hlp plz!" The idea of expecting an 18mo to just sit quietly in his high chair and not play with his food is ridiculous, you know? I sometimes respond to posts like that with a question, asking them why this is a problem. I mean sure, it's messy, but that's what toddlers do. It's incredibly unfair to punish a toddler for being a normal toddler (in a situation where he isn't hurting himself/others or in immediate danger, obviously).

I'm sometimes baffled at what people's expectations are for their toddlers. It's like they are expecting them to act like much older kids, instantly. And if they don't, punishment is seen as the way to encourage them to grow. It's really unfair to punish a child for doing something she's not developmentally ready to do differently. We're so patient with the physical milestones, but not the cognitive ones, somehow. The same person who says their baby will learn to walk when she's ready will then turn around and expect her to operate cognitively as does a child much older.

:-P

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I always try to think about what I'm doing or not doing to cause her behaviors when she is upset or acting out. I guess that comes from my background as a SPED teacher and working with students in a self contained "behavior shaping" class. I learned so much from those kids. Even though they were much older the same principles still apply. Kids of all ages want to be loved and accepted!

Oh, and I know what you mean about parents complaining about things that really are just age appropriate exploration. It drives me nuts!

[aschmidt87.livejournal.com]

It's the same way with babies. It seems to me that people have crazy (I won't say high) expectations for children from birth on. Kind of like how they try to get them to sleep through the night, alone, asap!! It is ridiculous. It goes back to the issue of people thinking that their children are manipulative and are trying to "control" them. Give me a break people. Your child isn't throwing food on the floor just because he knows you are in a hurry for an appt. today! lol. It's normal behavior. I would be worried if my child's food always ended up in her mouth and no where else! How boring! haha=] People need to relax..it's so much more fun when ya do. =]

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

It goes back to the issue of people thinking that their children are manipulative and are trying to "control" them.

Yes, that really bothers me as well. But then, I really do not like the idea of one person controlling another one, either. When people start talking about demanding obedience and controlling their kids, I hit the back button. That's just not my thing, yanno?

The people I know with the happiest, nicest, most interesting and well-adjusted kids are the ones who work with them instead of against them, who talk to them and listen in return, who treat their kids like they are people, rather than little puppies to be properly trained. Those are the folks I ask for book recommendations. ;-)

[ahurani.livejournal.com]

I pretty much don't read parenting magazines because they annoy me so much for very similar reasons. Just not worth it...

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I know. I don't know why I keep looking at them. It's like a train wreck. :-P

[handstil.livejournal.com]

I think about this all the time! Toddlers throw food on the ground, grab handfuls of sand at the park, dump water out of the bath, etc. WHO CARES! Is it so horrible that your child is experimenting with textures, gravity, and defiance? I cannot stand to be around moms who slap their kids hands or sternly say "NO!" when a kid is joyously running around squealing or splashing in water. It makes me boil.

[handstil.livejournal.com]

Also, I think about all the extra stress and work these women must be taking on by taking this shit personally. Crazy.

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

LOL, so true! I see that a lot actually, along the lines of "Why won't my toddler obey my commands instantly? Why does he just laugh and go the other way? WHY???"

Um, because he's a toddler. :-P

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure that any of these things are problems, or that it's a matter of trying to fix them to want to help your child deal with things in a positive manner.

Yes, exactly! I know it's what I get for hanging around on certain parenting boards, but sometimes I have to shake my head and wonder what these folks are going to do in 15 years, if these are such huge "problems" now.

I think it's not so much defiance in kids this age as it is asserting their independence. They are finally able to do some things for themselves, and developmentally they're driven to become more and more independent. They want to make their own choices, and insofar as we can, I feel like we should let them. When do they learn how to make decisions if they never get to make any decisions? - that sort of thing. Of course, I have one child and you have 5, so I have a lot more flexibility in many ways, I'm guessing. ;-)

I agree that it's best to avoid situations when you know there's a tantrum coming. Otherwise you're not really in tune with what's best for your child, you know? But sometimes you see it coming and there's not much you can do to avoid it, so you kind of have to roll with it and ride it out. Tantrums seem to freak parents out more than just about anything else, especially in public. I think that's because people are afraid, generally - afraid of that intense outpouring of emotion, afraid that if they don't make it stop as soon as possible their child will but traumatized, afraid of what other people will think, and so on. But everything I've read on tantrums suggests that it's a phase toddlers go through as they're learning to deal with their emotions. Sometimes they just need a release, and they need to be able to do that and feel safe about it. They need to know it's okay to feel and express these emotions.

And that totally makes sense to me, because when I am upset and need a shoulder to cry on, the last thing I want is for that someone to be very uncomfortable and try to distract me from my feelings, or to even belittle them and tell me to get over it. But yet people on parenting boards are always exchanging advice about the best way to distract their toddlers from their tantrums, rather than thinking about the fact that the child is genuinely upset, and maybe just needs to express that for a minute or two.

So I guess I should really just stop visiting these parenting boards... :-P

[faithandworks.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, and YES.

Hubby and I had this exact same conversation about a week ago, and I totally agree with you. They aren't "problems", they are just Elizabeth being Elizabeth. *shrug*

I think it's really easy to create problems by looking for them, and it's such a pity that kids are seen as being burdens and causing their parents upset etc when so much of it is down to society's outlook on these things.

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

I think it's really easy to create problems by looking for them

I feel like that's exactly what many people are doing. I mean seriously, there are families with real problems out there, who don't have homes or enough food, or whose kids have genuine behavioral disorders, and these folks are ripping their hair out over a little dropped food?

[merrywandering.livejournal.com]

Amen to that. I think I made almost this exact same post within the past year! I do think the parents' attitude has a lot to do with it. Sam has never been a "terrible two" - but is it because he's perfect, or is it because of my attitude?

This is why I think the view that AP is hard (a view often trumpeted by self-righteous APers), is baloney. I think AP makes life a lot easier and more peaceful - if that's the right word. But you know what I mean, we're not fighting constantly. The problem areas Sam and I have are the areas where I haven't figured out yet what is going on with him - like his Saturday bad days, or how he plays so rough with the kitty. I ponder it and talk about it with folks and try different things. Eventually we'll work it out. I do stress out sometimes, but that's *my* issue, not his.

It's especially interesting, because I have a sort of "control experment" in terms of Sam's sister being raised by his grandmother. She's always complaining to me about how defiant and willful Sam's sis is. Of course, it's not exactly a scientific control, and I would never, ever want to pass judgment on how she's raising Aly. She's in a completely different situation than me. But is interesting to me that Aly is so "difficult" and Sam is so "easy."

I do think a lot of parental anxiety comes from fear of spoiling the child. Most parenting books talk a lot about spoiling, how it's the worst thing you can do to your child, and they have various diagnoses about how to keep it from happening. And of course, most parenthetical comments by on-lookers are about how a child is spoiled. So I think that fear sometimes pressures parents to crack down on the kids. It's like we all just need to step back and chill.

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

You know, I see a lot of people online describe their children as "strong-willed" or "stubborn" or "defiant" or "willful", and all of their language refers to the desire for unquestioning obedience, for control. And they seem to think that the alternative is kids with no self-discipline whatsoever, who do whatever they want and run wild. That's a false dichotomy, of course, but it can be hard to explain what the alternatives look like in the space of a comment, you know?