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jenn_unpluggedThe more I read parenting magazines (with the possible exception of Mothering), the more I realize that your perspective plays a huge issue in what you see as a discipline/parenting problem. There are so many things I see and hear parents of toddlers say about the various discipline problems and sleep problems and eating problems they're having with their children, and I am really, honestly baffled.
It's not that my son is an angel who doesn't do any of the things they mention; it's that I don't see those things as problems, you know?
Yes, he often throws more food on the floor than he eats. He's learning about textures and colors and gravity, and he's experimenting with all of those things. Sometimes that is more exciting than eating, and sometimes he's just not that hungry. So I just put a towel under the high chair to catch it all. Some of what he drops he will eventually eat, when I put it back up there. He's also sorting, which is an important mathematical concept. If I look at what he tosses and what's left, there's usually a pattern to it. I actually get excited watching him sometimes!
Yes, he sometimes fights naps and bedtime. But this is his way of telling us he has more energy to burn off, that he needs a little more time to settle down. So we don't fight back. If he's not sleepy, we don't push it; we just let him play more. He will almost always be ready to sleep within another half hour. Sometimes it would be a heck of a lot more convenient for me if he would go to sleep at a particular time, but why should my needs always supersede his? And hey, that's another half hour of quality time I get to spend with Carter, so it's all good.
Yes, he wakes up several times a night to nurse back to sleep. We cosleep, so this isn't a problem for me -- I can go right back to sleep after arranging my boob for him. Nursing ALWAYS works in the middle of the night, and it's the quickest way to get us both back to sleep. And there are patterns in his waking: Some nights he barely wakes at all, and then there will be a period of a week where he wakes a lot every night. Those periods always correspond with something big, like getting 4 molars at once, or making some big cognitive leap. Of course the poor kid needs extra cuddles on those nights. Being a toddler is hard!
Yes, he pulls the cat's tail, and splashes in the toilet, and does lots of other things we've redirected him from dozens (if not hundreds) of times. And yes, sometimes he even says "no" right before he does them, giving the impression that he is being defiant. But at this age, defiance doesn't apply. Defiance is a concept adults have, one that we think we see in them, but toddlers do not think the same way adults do. Children aren't capable of considering how others think and feel until they're closer to school age, and they would have to be able to do that in order to intentionally be defiant. So we keep redirecting, keep reminding him what the limits are, or better yet, remove the temptation (e.g. put a lock on the toilet lid) so he doesn't keep coming up against a limit he doesn't understand.
Yes, he has temper tantrums and meltdowns when things don't go exactly as he expected or wanted. Toddlers need to vent their emotions, which are often very strong and confusing. He doesn't understand why we have to leave to playground now, just when he was having fun. He is angry and frustrated, so he cries and screams. I hold him and tell him I understand why he is upset, and eventually he gets it all out and he gets over it. We move on. As he gets older, he'll learn how to handle those emotions, but for now it's important that I not squash them or ignore them or distract him from him in an effort to make him not feel them. That only teaches him that emotions are bad, things to be avoided. That's not healthy!
So I don't see any of those things as PROBLEMS that need to be fixed. Those are totally normal, developmentally appropriate behaviors. He's not even two years old, for chrissakes! I don't expect him to understand and behave like a 5yo child. He'll get there, and my job is to support and guide him. I know we'll get to things that actually are problematic, but right now, there's honestly nothing I feel is a problem.
Maybe I'm just lucky to have a really easy-going kid, but I really think it comes down to perspective in a lot of cases. :-/
It's not that my son is an angel who doesn't do any of the things they mention; it's that I don't see those things as problems, you know?
Yes, he often throws more food on the floor than he eats. He's learning about textures and colors and gravity, and he's experimenting with all of those things. Sometimes that is more exciting than eating, and sometimes he's just not that hungry. So I just put a towel under the high chair to catch it all. Some of what he drops he will eventually eat, when I put it back up there. He's also sorting, which is an important mathematical concept. If I look at what he tosses and what's left, there's usually a pattern to it. I actually get excited watching him sometimes!
Yes, he sometimes fights naps and bedtime. But this is his way of telling us he has more energy to burn off, that he needs a little more time to settle down. So we don't fight back. If he's not sleepy, we don't push it; we just let him play more. He will almost always be ready to sleep within another half hour. Sometimes it would be a heck of a lot more convenient for me if he would go to sleep at a particular time, but why should my needs always supersede his? And hey, that's another half hour of quality time I get to spend with Carter, so it's all good.
Yes, he wakes up several times a night to nurse back to sleep. We cosleep, so this isn't a problem for me -- I can go right back to sleep after arranging my boob for him. Nursing ALWAYS works in the middle of the night, and it's the quickest way to get us both back to sleep. And there are patterns in his waking: Some nights he barely wakes at all, and then there will be a period of a week where he wakes a lot every night. Those periods always correspond with something big, like getting 4 molars at once, or making some big cognitive leap. Of course the poor kid needs extra cuddles on those nights. Being a toddler is hard!
Yes, he pulls the cat's tail, and splashes in the toilet, and does lots of other things we've redirected him from dozens (if not hundreds) of times. And yes, sometimes he even says "no" right before he does them, giving the impression that he is being defiant. But at this age, defiance doesn't apply. Defiance is a concept adults have, one that we think we see in them, but toddlers do not think the same way adults do. Children aren't capable of considering how others think and feel until they're closer to school age, and they would have to be able to do that in order to intentionally be defiant. So we keep redirecting, keep reminding him what the limits are, or better yet, remove the temptation (e.g. put a lock on the toilet lid) so he doesn't keep coming up against a limit he doesn't understand.
Yes, he has temper tantrums and meltdowns when things don't go exactly as he expected or wanted. Toddlers need to vent their emotions, which are often very strong and confusing. He doesn't understand why we have to leave to playground now, just when he was having fun. He is angry and frustrated, so he cries and screams. I hold him and tell him I understand why he is upset, and eventually he gets it all out and he gets over it. We move on. As he gets older, he'll learn how to handle those emotions, but for now it's important that I not squash them or ignore them or distract him from him in an effort to make him not feel them. That only teaches him that emotions are bad, things to be avoided. That's not healthy!
So I don't see any of those things as PROBLEMS that need to be fixed. Those are totally normal, developmentally appropriate behaviors. He's not even two years old, for chrissakes! I don't expect him to understand and behave like a 5yo child. He'll get there, and my job is to support and guide him. I know we'll get to things that actually are problematic, but right now, there's honestly nothing I feel is a problem.
Maybe I'm just lucky to have a really easy-going kid, but I really think it comes down to perspective in a lot of cases. :-/
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Date: 2009-10-01 08:12 pm (UTC)This post is actually a reaction to seeing a ton of posts on toddler boards along the lines of "My toddler won't stop throwing food on the floor and time out doesn't work, hlp plz!" The idea of expecting an 18mo to just sit quietly in his high chair and not play with his food is ridiculous, you know? I sometimes respond to posts like that with a question, asking them why this is a problem. I mean sure, it's messy, but that's what toddlers do. It's incredibly unfair to punish a toddler for being a normal toddler (in a situation where he isn't hurting himself/others or in immediate danger, obviously).
I'm sometimes baffled at what people's expectations are for their toddlers. It's like they are expecting them to act like much older kids, instantly. And if they don't, punishment is seen as the way to encourage them to grow. It's really unfair to punish a child for doing something she's not developmentally ready to do differently. We're so patient with the physical milestones, but not the cognitive ones, somehow. The same person who says their baby will learn to walk when she's ready will then turn around and expect her to operate cognitively as does a child much older.
:-P
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Date: 2009-10-01 08:19 pm (UTC)Oh, and I know what you mean about parents complaining about things that really are just age appropriate exploration. It drives me nuts!
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Date: 2009-10-01 09:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-02 08:11 pm (UTC)Yes, that really bothers me as well. But then, I really do not like the idea of one person controlling another one, either. When people start talking about demanding obedience and controlling their kids, I hit the back button. That's just not my thing, yanno?
The people I know with the happiest, nicest, most interesting and well-adjusted kids are the ones who work with them instead of against them, who talk to them and listen in return, who treat their kids like they are people, rather than little puppies to be properly trained. Those are the folks I ask for book recommendations. ;-)