I'm not sure that any of these things are problems, or that it's a matter of trying to fix them to want to help your child deal with things in a positive manner.
Yes, exactly! I know it's what I get for hanging around on certain parenting boards, but sometimes I have to shake my head and wonder what these folks are going to do in 15 years, if these are such huge "problems" now.
I think it's not so much defiance in kids this age as it is asserting their independence. They are finally able to do some things for themselves, and developmentally they're driven to become more and more independent. They want to make their own choices, and insofar as we can, I feel like we should let them. When do they learn how to make decisions if they never get to make any decisions? - that sort of thing. Of course, I have one child and you have 5, so I have a lot more flexibility in many ways, I'm guessing. ;-)
I agree that it's best to avoid situations when you know there's a tantrum coming. Otherwise you're not really in tune with what's best for your child, you know? But sometimes you see it coming and there's not much you can do to avoid it, so you kind of have to roll with it and ride it out. Tantrums seem to freak parents out more than just about anything else, especially in public. I think that's because people are afraid, generally - afraid of that intense outpouring of emotion, afraid that if they don't make it stop as soon as possible their child will but traumatized, afraid of what other people will think, and so on. But everything I've read on tantrums suggests that it's a phase toddlers go through as they're learning to deal with their emotions. Sometimes they just need a release, and they need to be able to do that and feel safe about it. They need to know it's okay to feel and express these emotions.
And that totally makes sense to me, because when I am upset and need a shoulder to cry on, the last thing I want is for that someone to be very uncomfortable and try to distract me from my feelings, or to even belittle them and tell me to get over it. But yet people on parenting boards are always exchanging advice about the best way to distract their toddlers from their tantrums, rather than thinking about the fact that the child is genuinely upset, and maybe just needs to express that for a minute or two.
So I guess I should really just stop visiting these parenting boards... :-P
no subject
Date: 2009-10-02 08:32 pm (UTC)Yes, exactly! I know it's what I get for hanging around on certain parenting boards, but sometimes I have to shake my head and wonder what these folks are going to do in 15 years, if these are such huge "problems" now.
I think it's not so much defiance in kids this age as it is asserting their independence. They are finally able to do some things for themselves, and developmentally they're driven to become more and more independent. They want to make their own choices, and insofar as we can, I feel like we should let them. When do they learn how to make decisions if they never get to make any decisions? - that sort of thing. Of course, I have one child and you have 5, so I have a lot more flexibility in many ways, I'm guessing. ;-)
I agree that it's best to avoid situations when you know there's a tantrum coming. Otherwise you're not really in tune with what's best for your child, you know? But sometimes you see it coming and there's not much you can do to avoid it, so you kind of have to roll with it and ride it out. Tantrums seem to freak parents out more than just about anything else, especially in public. I think that's because people are afraid, generally - afraid of that intense outpouring of emotion, afraid that if they don't make it stop as soon as possible their child will but traumatized, afraid of what other people will think, and so on. But everything I've read on tantrums suggests that it's a phase toddlers go through as they're learning to deal with their emotions. Sometimes they just need a release, and they need to be able to do that and feel safe about it. They need to know it's okay to feel and express these emotions.
And that totally makes sense to me, because when I am upset and need a shoulder to cry on, the last thing I want is for that someone to be very uncomfortable and try to distract me from my feelings, or to even belittle them and tell me to get over it. But yet people on parenting boards are always exchanging advice about the best way to distract their toddlers from their tantrums, rather than thinking about the fact that the child is genuinely upset, and maybe just needs to express that for a minute or two.
So I guess I should really just stop visiting these parenting boards... :-P