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It's funny, but I'm completely separating this process from its goal, and I think that's a good thing for me. I don't expect it to work. I really, truly, don't. I just can't get my hopes up like that again, because I think it would devastate me on a level I haven't yet experienced to be disappointed from this. In the past when I've been on a cycle, I start lingering on the baby aisle at the grocery store or thinking about how to decorate the nursery. I've done none of that this time. That might change after the transfer, but at this point I'm really living my life as if it isn't going to work. I have a trip to England planned at the end of July, which I'll cancel if I have to, but I'm kind of expecting to go at this point. I'm weaning myself off caffeine with the idea that it will only be a few weeks before I can drink coffee again. Et cetera.
I can imagine there are people reading this who would like to tell me I should be positive and keep my chin up. And I'm usually a hyper-positive person, but in this case I just can't be. It's hard to explain, but it would really do me no good to expect this to work. It will either work or it won't, and I have no control over it. When I give myself my shots, I don't think about what it's for. When I go to my appointments, I don't have any expectations about what I'll hear from the doctor. It's just something I have to do, and that's it.
My defense mechanisms are so weird. Maybe I should have gone to counseling last year after all. :-P
It's funny, but I'm completely separating this process from its goal, and I think that's a good thing for me. I don't expect it to work. I really, truly, don't. I just can't get my hopes up like that again, because I think it would devastate me on a level I haven't yet experienced to be disappointed from this. In the past when I've been on a cycle, I start lingering on the baby aisle at the grocery store or thinking about how to decorate the nursery. I've done none of that this time. That might change after the transfer, but at this point I'm really living my life as if it isn't going to work. I have a trip to England planned at the end of July, which I'll cancel if I have to, but I'm kind of expecting to go at this point. I'm weaning myself off caffeine with the idea that it will only be a few weeks before I can drink coffee again. Et cetera.
I can imagine there are people reading this who would like to tell me I should be positive and keep my chin up. And I'm usually a hyper-positive person, but in this case I just can't be. It's hard to explain, but it would really do me no good to expect this to work. It will either work or it won't, and I have no control over it. When I give myself my shots, I don't think about what it's for. When I go to my appointments, I don't have any expectations about what I'll hear from the doctor. It's just something I have to do, and that's it.
My defense mechanisms are so weird. Maybe I should have gone to counseling last year after all. :-P
