On discipline
Mar. 29th, 2009 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jenn_unpluggedSince Carter is heading rapidly toward toddlerhood, I've been doing some reading on discipline. I started out by reading The Discipline Book by Sears et al, which was a great read, but more about how you should base your disciplinary approach on your strong relationship with your child than any specific strategies. It started me down the path I was looking for, though.
So I branched out from Sears and started reading books about Gentle Discipline and Positive Discipline, which seem to be essentially the same thing: centering your disciplinary approach around empathy and respect for the child. (Here is a good summary of positive discipline if you aren't familiar with it.)
I've been working hard on redirecting, as that is the big strategy with babies and toddlers. I've been trying to avoid saying "no" when I can. (The idea is that "no" is a very important word and is reserved for times when the child's actions put him in immediate danger, rather than just when he's doing something annoying. That way everyone pays special attention to "no" when it's said, rather than ignoring it.) And man, it's hard to break myself of saying no -- you know? I got a great tip from someone online, though. She said that every time you have an impulse to say "no", say "yes..., but" instead. So if Carter grabs the power cord to my laptop, instead of saying "No!", I say, "Yes, you like to hold electrical cords, but I'm afraid my computer will get hurt." And then redirect. Easier said than done, but I'm trying really hard!
It's funny that I've spent almost 20 years of my life as a teacher in one capacity or another, and this is still difficult. But I can already see it paying off with Carter. He was just starting to have little temper tantrums a few months ago, and I finally realized that I was actually causing them by taking things away from him or stopping him from doing things he'd decided to do. I wasn't offering him an alternative, and he isn't yet capable of understanding why he can't just do what he wants. But worse, I wasn't looking at the situation from his point of view, and so wasn't showing him much empathy or respect -- cornerstones of my whole parenting philosophy. Now that I'm getting better at stopping, acknowledging his feelings, and then redirecting, tantrums are becoming more and more rare. He accepts redirection pretty well, actually.
He's also starting to show signs that he understands what I say a bit. He will sometimes pause when he's not sure if he should be doing something, and will look back at me to see if I'm going to say anything. He occasionally tests the boundaries, which helps me learn to be consistent. For example, he loves to hold my camera and phone, which he is allowed to do as long as he doesn't put them in his mouth. He will look at me and put the corner of the phone in his mouth, and as soon as I say, "Not in your mouth, just hold", he'll take it out again. One minute later, same thing. He doesn't seem to be playing a game so much as trying to see if the rule applies now, now, and now. There's no mischievousness about it, but he is definitely looking at me to see my reaction. He does the same thing to Michelle (Carter's nanny), and she reacts the same way.
Incidentally, that's one of the fantastic things about Michelle. She and I are completely on the same page about parenting, and so Carter gets a consistent message from both of us. We occasionally chat about it and share strategies, but for the most part, we just do the exact same things. It's so cool!
A recent issue we had to deal with was hatred of the car seat. It started a few weeks ago: as soon as we went to get in the car, Carter would get upset, and the moment his butt touched the car seat, he would arch and stiffen and twist, and generally do anything he could to get out of it. He would scream and cry miserably when we tried to force him into the seat, and it was really just awful. It seemed like what he hated was being strapped down, but that's how car seats work, so there was no way around it. I started to think that maybe I should turn him forward-facing (which I REALLY didn't want to do as I feel very strongly about rear-facing as long as possible), but while we were in NC, he rode in my mom's car facing forward, and it didn't help the problem at all. I felt like I was torturing him, but riding in a car is a part of life that we just have to deal with.
So I developed a strategy, and it worked so well I was stunned! I head to the car five minutes before we have to leave. I put Carter in the car seat, and he gets a couple of minutes to stand up and turn around and poke at things he can reach inside the car. In the meantime, I get our stuff arranged, clean out trash, and talk to him about how fun the car is and where we're going and what we'll do when we get there. After a couple of minutes, I hand him one of his special car seat toys (or sometimes a sippy cup of water or a snack), and gently help him sit down in the seat. He will then let me put the straps on him without a fuss. It works like magic, and for a week now, riding in the car has been SO much easier! As a plus, I'm suddenly getting places on time, for the first time in... well, ever.
I was really proud that we were able to find a solution for that problem, one that respected Carter's needs and mine. And I think that is what Positive Discipline is about, really. I'm sure this sounds like such a small thing to people with older kids, but it gave me confidence that I can do this in a positive way. :-)
So I branched out from Sears and started reading books about Gentle Discipline and Positive Discipline, which seem to be essentially the same thing: centering your disciplinary approach around empathy and respect for the child. (Here is a good summary of positive discipline if you aren't familiar with it.)
I've been working hard on redirecting, as that is the big strategy with babies and toddlers. I've been trying to avoid saying "no" when I can. (The idea is that "no" is a very important word and is reserved for times when the child's actions put him in immediate danger, rather than just when he's doing something annoying. That way everyone pays special attention to "no" when it's said, rather than ignoring it.) And man, it's hard to break myself of saying no -- you know? I got a great tip from someone online, though. She said that every time you have an impulse to say "no", say "yes..., but" instead. So if Carter grabs the power cord to my laptop, instead of saying "No!", I say, "Yes, you like to hold electrical cords, but I'm afraid my computer will get hurt." And then redirect. Easier said than done, but I'm trying really hard!
It's funny that I've spent almost 20 years of my life as a teacher in one capacity or another, and this is still difficult. But I can already see it paying off with Carter. He was just starting to have little temper tantrums a few months ago, and I finally realized that I was actually causing them by taking things away from him or stopping him from doing things he'd decided to do. I wasn't offering him an alternative, and he isn't yet capable of understanding why he can't just do what he wants. But worse, I wasn't looking at the situation from his point of view, and so wasn't showing him much empathy or respect -- cornerstones of my whole parenting philosophy. Now that I'm getting better at stopping, acknowledging his feelings, and then redirecting, tantrums are becoming more and more rare. He accepts redirection pretty well, actually.
He's also starting to show signs that he understands what I say a bit. He will sometimes pause when he's not sure if he should be doing something, and will look back at me to see if I'm going to say anything. He occasionally tests the boundaries, which helps me learn to be consistent. For example, he loves to hold my camera and phone, which he is allowed to do as long as he doesn't put them in his mouth. He will look at me and put the corner of the phone in his mouth, and as soon as I say, "Not in your mouth, just hold", he'll take it out again. One minute later, same thing. He doesn't seem to be playing a game so much as trying to see if the rule applies now, now, and now. There's no mischievousness about it, but he is definitely looking at me to see my reaction. He does the same thing to Michelle (Carter's nanny), and she reacts the same way.
Incidentally, that's one of the fantastic things about Michelle. She and I are completely on the same page about parenting, and so Carter gets a consistent message from both of us. We occasionally chat about it and share strategies, but for the most part, we just do the exact same things. It's so cool!
A recent issue we had to deal with was hatred of the car seat. It started a few weeks ago: as soon as we went to get in the car, Carter would get upset, and the moment his butt touched the car seat, he would arch and stiffen and twist, and generally do anything he could to get out of it. He would scream and cry miserably when we tried to force him into the seat, and it was really just awful. It seemed like what he hated was being strapped down, but that's how car seats work, so there was no way around it. I started to think that maybe I should turn him forward-facing (which I REALLY didn't want to do as I feel very strongly about rear-facing as long as possible), but while we were in NC, he rode in my mom's car facing forward, and it didn't help the problem at all. I felt like I was torturing him, but riding in a car is a part of life that we just have to deal with.
So I developed a strategy, and it worked so well I was stunned! I head to the car five minutes before we have to leave. I put Carter in the car seat, and he gets a couple of minutes to stand up and turn around and poke at things he can reach inside the car. In the meantime, I get our stuff arranged, clean out trash, and talk to him about how fun the car is and where we're going and what we'll do when we get there. After a couple of minutes, I hand him one of his special car seat toys (or sometimes a sippy cup of water or a snack), and gently help him sit down in the seat. He will then let me put the straps on him without a fuss. It works like magic, and for a week now, riding in the car has been SO much easier! As a plus, I'm suddenly getting places on time, for the first time in... well, ever.
I was really proud that we were able to find a solution for that problem, one that respected Carter's needs and mine. And I think that is what Positive Discipline is about, really. I'm sure this sounds like such a small thing to people with older kids, but it gave me confidence that I can do this in a positive way. :-)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 10:16 am (UTC)I think this approach is the sort of thing, too, that feeds on itself in such a good way. Success that you have together inspires you to continue and gives you confidence for new challenges that will arise. ♥
no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 11:11 am (UTC)One thing that I do with my twins is that I almost always give them a choice (of two things)...especially when it comes to food. That way they feel that they have control over something that they have to do, and I don't have to try to play short-order cook!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 01:49 pm (UTC)I haven't read a lot yet and I'd like to, though I think it'll be more important to get my husband to read stuff, but a lot sounds like what we've been doing already. I'll say "no" for a few things, but usually in my same tone of voice. I reserve the "strict" voice (or whatever you want to call it) for dangerous things, like when Liam got the cabinet of the entertainment center open (supposed to have child locks on it) and was starting to play with the outlet inside.
Giving a choice of two unpleasant things works pretty well too, like when I have to look in a kid's ears at work, I don't ask if I can look, I ask which one they want me to look in first. That way "no" isn't a possible answer (supposedly).
no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 02:37 pm (UTC)It's definitely a respect thing. I hate when people talk down to children, treat them like they're stupid, that kind of thing. My mom always says that people will live up to your expectations, so if you treat them like they're stupid or evil, that's how they're going to act.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 04:57 pm (UTC)I completely agree on the empathy and respect principles, and on the idea of creating a "yes" environment where there are as few structural forbidden things as possible. (Like my MIL would always leave out her cheapo glass chess set, 2 inches off the floor, then when my 18 month old would try to play with it she would be mad at him and tell him no, for ages. It resulted in us refusing to visit her because she refused to move it even temporarily out of his reach. Same thing for dangerous stuff she had like nicotine gum and knitting needles.)
But at the same time, we do say "No" a lot to my now-3-yr old, because he has a lot of trouble following verbal instructions (maybe ADHD or auditory processing disorder), and we need to be really clear about limits whenever we cannot structurally remove the problem. If we phrased things positively (without first saying "no") like "I know you like to put your fingers in your baby brother's mouth, and he likes to suck on them, but..." then he wouldn't get the message.
And we have had a lot of success using "We NEVER.." too - again mostly for dangerous activities. Hmmm.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:04 pm (UTC)My mom has mentioned to me that she never baby-proofed at all, she just "made us mind." It's so hard to imagine setting yourself up for constant battles that way!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-03 02:46 am (UTC)What works for Sam with the carseat is for me to let him climb into the seat himself, and also let him fasten the seatbelt himself (with a little insistence.) I'm often tempted to put him in there and fasten him up myself because it's (supposedly) faster, but that's when he put up a fuss.
I keep meaning to post about my 1-2-3 technique which has worked really, really well with Sam. One o' these days....