Hmmm.

I need to get over my bitterness about this whole infertility thing. It's really difficult for me to talk about it or even think about it without getting upset. I've spent the last couple of months pretending like I don't want to have children and not thinking about it at all, and I've been happier than I can remember being for a while. That says something, I think.

I had a moment during the vacation where I started thinking about the IVF thing, and I got so upset that I had to to change my mental subject. The unfairness of it all is something I just can't seem to let go of. I keep thinking that I must have traded in my fertility for one of the other many wonderful things in my life. There's a sense in which infertility almost feels karmic. I feel like I've led a charmed life in many ways, and I've always been waiting for The Bad Thing to happen to balance it all out. I expected the Bad Thing to be losing a loved one too soon or being diagnosed with cancer, so I suppose if this is really my Bad Thing, I should consider myself lucky. Not that this line of reasoning helps, of course.

I'm not posting this for sympathy comments, btw, so don't feel obligated to respond. And I'm not looking for advice, either. (I know I ought to seek counseling, but I'm barely home these days and I really don't want to talk about it any more than I have to.) Mostly, I just needed to say it. Sometimes it help to put your thoughts in writing.