Hmmm.

[jenn_unplugged]

I need to get over my bitterness about this whole infertility thing. It's really difficult for me to talk about it or even think about it without getting upset. I've spent the last couple of months pretending like I don't want to have children and not thinking about it at all, and I've been happier than I can remember being for a while. That says something, I think.

I had a moment during the vacation where I started thinking about the IVF thing, and I got so upset that I had to to change my mental subject. The unfairness of it all is something I just can't seem to let go of. I keep thinking that I must have traded in my fertility for one of the other many wonderful things in my life. There's a sense in which infertility almost feels karmic. I feel like I've led a charmed life in many ways, and I've always been waiting for The Bad Thing to happen to balance it all out. I expected the Bad Thing to be losing a loved one too soon or being diagnosed with cancer, so I suppose if this is really my Bad Thing, I should consider myself lucky. Not that this line of reasoning helps, of course.

I'm not posting this for sympathy comments, btw, so don't feel obligated to respond. And I'm not looking for advice, either. (I know I ought to seek counseling, but I'm barely home these days and I really don't want to talk about it any more than I have to.) Mostly, I just needed to say it. Sometimes it help to put your thoughts in writing.

Comments

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I could have written your post word for word. I have always wondered "why" and really don't know if there is an answer. I do know you can make it through IVF if you go there. It's scary because it's the end of the line, but really it's your best chance. I'm thinking of you...

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

I'm just so fed up with being poked and prodded, I guess. Back when I really believed these things were going to help me get pregnant, I was willing to do them, because there was an end goal. Stick a catheter through my cervix? SUre! Inject myself with drugs daily that make me feel icky? Bring it on! But at this point, it all seems futile. It feels like I'm tormenting myself for no reason. Every time I see a pregnant woman with a couple of small children in tow, I want to hit her, and that's just comepletely irrational.

And now I'm about to go to a new doctor, where we'll have to start all over and have lots of the tests done again, and I'm just not looking forward to it at all.

Blech. :-P

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I hope your doctor brings you some renewed hope.
I hate seeing women with many children in tow as well. You're not the only one!

[anise-anise.livejournal.com]

The unfairness of it all is the one thing that's so hard to get around. I'd love to be able to give you advice on letting go of it, but hell hon, day after tomorrow is our six year anniversary. He's been diagnosed for six YEARS. And it IS unfair, and undeserved, and some days i'm surprised the bitterness doesn't eat me alive. Thats the thing I guess. It will always be unfair, that won't change. Acceptance does come... but it never stops being unfair.

There's nothing I can say to help you but I want you to know that if I was there I'd give you a hug. Not that that would help either. But I'd hug you anyway. I'm thinking of you, sweetheart. I do not know what you're going through, but I know what the frustration of not having control feels like. Let me know if you need anything from me, sugar. And Gage says hi.

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

I feel that bitterness for myself, but yeah, it must really suck to feel it for someone you love so much. At least for me, this is frustration with my own body, and in the end, I could just choose to give up if it got to be too much for me. And that sucks, to have the choice be to continue with this or just stop trying, because it's not much of a choice. But in your situation, there's no choice, really, and it's not about you but about someone who looks to you to take care of them -- and you can't take care of this, really.

*sigh*

I'm so glad that Gage is doing better, though. He's such a cutie!

[teleute.livejournal.com]

I've always been waiting for the Bad Thing too - in fact I used to believe that the depression was to help me prepare for it - to get me used to feeling crappy or some such. It hasn't helped, needless to say.

Now that I am fairly certain I have reached the end of the line (yes we're still going to try again in September, but I'm considerably less than hopeful given the recent tests) I've been thinking more seriously about egg donation. Irrationally, despite the fact that I'd always previously wanted to adopt, now that I've gone through all this I don't want to adopt, I want to carry. Probably because it's been taken away.

*hugs* The only positive thing I can think of is that other people have coped with this in the past. If they can, I can, and I bet you will cope too. I just hope neither of us have to. Bring on the miricles!

[jenn-unplugged.livejournal.com]

First, SORRY that it's taken me so long to respond to this. I am woefully behind in replying to comments these days.

Irrationally, despite the fact that I'd always previously wanted to adopt, now that I've gone through all this I don't want to adopt, I want to carry.

I totally understand that, and I really feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder if I want to just get pregnant more than I actually want to have a child, if that makes any sense. The getting pregnant has become the goal, and parenthood seems not such a big part of the equation anymore. I have a really hard time imagining adoption, you know? If I did adopt, I almost think I'd go to a third world country or something.

The miracle I really want is just to get pregnant on my own, with no more poking and prodding by doctors involved.. And I know that isn't going to happen, and I need to find a way to let go of it. :-/

[jedirita.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say that you're always in my thoughts. {{{{hugs}}}}

[zebras4eva.livejournal.com]

So I realize that I don't really know the background on this, and, hating children the way I do, don't exactly GET the whole wanting to have them thing BUT... is there a reason y'all don't just adopt? I mean obviously, lots of people want to have their own kids or whatever, but at this point, it seems like doing it the old fashioned way (plus modern medicine) isn't getting the job done. So. Adoption? Not an option?