This? Sucks.

[jenn_unplugged]

This is the worst part of the whole trying-to-get-pregnant thing, and the fact that I've done it... *counts* ... at least 30 times now does not make it any easier.

I will either get my period any day now, or I won't.

This is the time that I usually start reading far too much into everything I feel. Typically, I worry about the following: Either my boobs are far more sore than normal or they aren't sore at all. What does that mean? I might have a headache. Is that a sign of a weird hormone surge or a drop? I might feel vaguely nauseated. Is that because of the couple of beers I had last night or because of something else? If I start spotting, am I getting my period, or is it implantation spotting? And so on.

So today (CD 29), it's a headache, mild nausea which is made worse when there are strong smells present (which is definitely not alcohol-related but could be headache-related), and no spotting. In fact, there are no normal signs of PMS yet: no bloating, boobs are fine (I squish them every now and then to make sure), no pissiness out of the normal range for me. So this could just be a long cycle; between 28 and 32 days is pretty normal for me. But I usually start getting PMS symptoms way before now, which is, of course, making me think all these crazy thoughts.

It's nice to have the conference to distract me, but there are half a dozen babies here, which sort of messes up the distraction aspect. One of my colleagues brought her six-week-old. They're so tiny! So there's a cadre of women breastfeeding in the back of every talk, which basically just reminds me that I seem unable to have children.

Will I ever have one of my own? *headdesk*

If it doesn't work this month, the plan is to sit down with my doctor and have a long talk about my options. I need to know there's an end in sight one way or the other, because I can't go on like this. I'm also looking into counseling.

Oh, and I'm starting to feel more and more like a freak on the infertility boards/groups I belong to. The vast majority of posts are from women who've been trying for a year, and it's really hard not to respond in a bitter or cynical way to their angsting. "Oh, my husband and I have been trying for a year and I'm going crazy! I'm going to quit my job because of the stress!" Yeah. I know. Try doing it for FOUR years and then tell me how crazy and stressed-out you feel. But I don't, of course, because everyone's angsting is valid. Mine is no better or worse than anyone else's.

The frustrating thing is that I feel like my posts (at BC in particular, but even on LJ) are basically ignored. I usually get a handful of comments like, "Wow. I don't have any advice for you." The sucks to be you is, thankfully, left implicit. So I'm having a really hard time finding people to talk to or vent to who understand what it's like to have been trying this long and be utterly unsuccessful. Maybe they're off congregating in a place I've yet to discover?

Comments

[anise-anise.livejournal.com]

We both know that I don't know what you're going through. But I do know what it's like to be frustrated, and to be angry, and to be so very tired of something that you can't change. I'm impressed that you can say everyone's angsting is valid. I have issues in the form of this giant chip on my shoulder and I really have trouble listening to other people bitch about things that I'd kill to worry about. And I'm not like that always, but it's always in the back of my mind, that 'omg shut up, what is wrong wtih you' even though I KNOW that they just have no clue. I think it's ok to be stressed and I also think that counselling is a fabulous idea, I wouldn't have made it through without it. I am here if you need to vent, you have my number, I insist you use it if you need. I know we aren't dealing iwth the same issues, but I will do anything I can for you.

[clara-posts.livejournal.com]

My best RL friend is having a similar problem, though she's not been trying for as long as you two have. Perhaps you would find talking to her helpful? I'm sure if I asked, she'd let me give you her email addy. Let me know. I've only ever know the frustration of wanting to be pregnant for the shortest amount of time, but I know how bad that was and I can't imagine how bad it must feel to you. I never mind if you want to vent or talk.

[amberleewriter.livejournal.com]

All the people I know that tied for more than two years with meds and the method of fertilization you have talked about are all now post-menopause. In one case, they had to do invetro. In the other two, they never had children (largely because the man was an executive that traveled so much and/or they had to move so often because of work that keeping with a program was nearly impossible).

There have been a lot of updates and changes over the years to fertility treatments but I honestly can't say that I've heard of someone's doctor that's not suggested another kind of treatment when the one that they are doing hasn't worked in more than a year.

I'm going to be the voice of "get a second opinion" or "search for a new doctor." It sounds to me like this situation is really starting to get to you and if the doctor you are working with hasn't been suggesting counseling before now (much less suggesting different treatment options) it might be time to find someone that is going to pay more attention to your needs and emotions.

I long ago just gave up and decided I was far better off not having children. If I want one, I will adopt and skip the hormone hell that will become the lives of everyone around me if I try again. (Bi-polar + post-partum/lost baby = suicide and life stopping depression for at least six months. I figure two suicide attempts in life is enough. ) So, I can't say that I really identify with some of the emotions you have about wanting kids and/or having your identity as a woman being tied to fertility. I've just never felt like that. (Proving, once again, that I am just a flaming gay man trapped in a woman's body!) Still, that doesn't mean that I don't have sympathy for your situation as a friend and wish that I could help.

Honestly, I'd ask the doctor if this kind of time period is normal. I would then ask how many patients he has had that it took longer than two years to get them pregnant. I'd think about another doctor. At worst a consult with someone else for a fresh perspective will reinforce that you just have to take your time. At best, it will reassure you of the path you are taking and ensure that you are doing everything you can and not missing any options.

*hugs* to you.

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

ah, geez, I'm sorry! :( Which board are you posting on?

This sucks, I know it does. I wish I could wave a wand...

[afb.livejournal.com]

*hugs so much* I can see why the waiting is worse than anything else, definitely. I've got my fingers crossed for you. I remember when Joy was going through this, thinking that if I could magically swap reproductive systems with her, I'd do it, and I feel the same way listening to you. I wish I had a better ability to understand what you're going through -- I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to go through this and to feel like you're struggling alone. *hugs more*

[jedirita.livejournal.com]

Give the knitted fertility token a squeeze! Many squeezes! For what it's worth, you have my total love and support.

[wordplay.livejournal.com]

I only tried for a year to have Annie, and I know that every one of those cycles was filled with the kind of rampant, oversensitive jumping at EVERYTHING. My heart is yours, honey.

I am gobsmacked and so. incredibly. jealous that there were babies at the conference. Never, NEVER in linguistics. That's an amazing thing for you.

I think that this is another one of those secret pains that people DON'T talk about very often. When you have children I can almost promise you that you'll discover a few more. The good thing is that I can also promise you that I'll be around and willing to talk about them - being filter free has its advantages. :D

*hugs and much support*